if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
