getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
