Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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