return my video game
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
