There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
