Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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