These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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