the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
