Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
