My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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