The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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