believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
