I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
