so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
