On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
