I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
