god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
