You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
