i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
