I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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