I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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