ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
