You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
youre lurking in front of me
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
