so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
