The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
