I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
