You're my little dorito
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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