We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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