Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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