"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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