my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
God gave him joint rollers for hands
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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