I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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