this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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