I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
