Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You ate ashes out of my bong
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