all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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