You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
