Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
