Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
