Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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