You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
