My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
