Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
