I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
