In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
