i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
