It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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