She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
