I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Everyone says I win the strip club
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
