Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
