i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
